A Whimsical Look At Time

What would the world be without time?  I know one thing for sure, we will have one less phobia, as no one will suffer from chronomentro-phobia!

Righto.  The first thing that pops up in my head: many hotel lobbies would look much better I reckon.  Ever notice how all those clocks displaying the time in various cities of the world clutter up spaces?  Who ever reads them?  I suggest they invest in art instead!

Those who love sleeping would love this.  They would very much be using their body's circadian clock.  Imagine sleeping when tired and eating when hungry, not because it's, say, 11pm or lunch hour.   Party until thy want to, not until thy reached thy curfew.   Brilliant isn't it?

And because there will be no clock-in time, employees would arrive and leave at different hours, eliminating rush hour traffic.   Smashing.  

Comes examinations, students would take their own sweet time to answer questions.  I never think it makes much sense to cram everything we have learnt throughout the whole year into a few hours anyway.  

We could also lose ourselves in cyberspace.  No one could measure the amount of time I have been spending on Facebook or Facebook.  No one would never know when anyone would arrive for a dinner party.  Probably going to have to rely on instincts to decide when to serve party food.  

I was just taking TIME OFF for a whimsical look at the possible ways life would be more interesting without say, clocks.   It is TIME to get back to reality.   About TIME to pay that bill and don't forget that tax return!

Brit's Witty Sense of Humour

It's always good to have a bit of a giggle and I feel the Brit's witty sense of humour is the best. 

Here's a little tweet on Twitter earlier: 

"Woman gives birth on London Underground, considers naming the child accordingly. Thankfully the station was Kingsbury and not Elephant and Castle."



Tweets which followed 
(obviously raised by non-Brits): 


How could a woman give birth "on" London if she is underground?

Is the funny part that London is underground? It isn't, right? I mean London isn't, right?

Why would anyone name a kid "Accordingly"?  I don't get it.

I don't get the elephant in the castle part. It just doesn't make sense.

---------

If you are laughing your arse off, welcome on board.

Fast Food Pairing?

I do try to lead a healthy life, I do.  Occasionally I would climb up the stairs when taking an escalator - it's a form of exercise too, right?

Anyway, there's always temptations around. 

I stumbled upon this ad online and it was from Burger King in the States and I couldn't believe it was for real. 

 
Take a look at what's written underneath the Coke:

"Real full bodied taste with a refreshing bubbly finish, pairs well with a Whopper."

Pairing food with soda and that's so going to class the place up?  You're kidding me.  
 

And look at what Dr. Pepper has to say:

"23 fruity flavors, give it a pop, pairs well with BK Double Stacker."

I say if you are going to have a Double Stacker, you should really be pairing with a doctor!

Hilarious! 

Having said that, in a world where consumers have been conditioned to ignore thousands of marketing messages a day, I have to say, this was a good one.
 

The Party Line

My friends told me I am a great event organiser.  Great is it because it's a job that everyone loathes and I happen to love it? Or because I really am good at it, I wonder. 

I think anything you performed over a hundred times - you are bound to be good at it. Practice makes perfect they say.  

So I have this friend whom I have been organising her birthday parties for the last three years. From guest invitation, taking care of RSVPs, to the logistics and the nitty gritty stuff like how many candles should be placed on the cake!

In 2010 - the year she had her first daughter borned, she requested the birthday party to be a get-away from the baby talks and nappies, strictly "adults only".  Absolutely fine with me and I remembered we had a fun time apart from some who went panicking because they parted with their kids for 2 hours!

In 2011 - a year that was symbolic of mini baby boom among my circle of friends and so we decided to add a line in the invitation that said "We love your kids, bring them with you."  The party went pretty well, apart from the fact that I didn't know kids all love blowing candles and I didn't plan for that many to be blown! 

In 2012 - I made sure I took things into perspective and I think what we are going for this year would be this:

No Means Yes

Among my group of friends, there's this lady of leisure who is currently in between jobs and she has this place she always wanted to visit.  It just happened that none of the rest of us in the group had the time to travel with her and hence, she decided to travel solo for the very first time.  

The place she was destined to go, was India - the destination of her dream.  For the bunch of us who didn't go, we had a friendly little bet without her.   Knowing she adores India but doesn't always prefer to do things alone, we bet that she either absolutely loathed the place, or loved it.  Nothing in between. 

10 days later, our little friend came back.  She told us she learned a few things in India and just when she was about to solve our puzzling eyes, she gave us an Indian wiggle of the head. 

"Like many of their neighbouring Asians, the Indians prefer not to say no," said Lady of Leisure.

"Right.  So did you not like the country," we asked.


She did it again!  She managed a very loose wobble of the head from side to side on the neck, which left us completely perplexed.  

Did she mean yes, no or anything in between? 

Looks like there is only one way to find out if I have won my bet. 

I might be better off consulting Google instead! 

An App Too Many

While I was bed resting and when I had nothing better to do facing the ceiling, fiddling the iPhone has never been proved so - exhilarating. 

That was when I discovered there really is an app for nearly everything nowadays.   

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to share with you a few outright bizarre apps that I have hence discovered during boredom.

Straight To Voicemail (STV)

How many times have you prayed that the person you are calling are not going to pick up your call?  Why on earth would you dread that way?  Well, think along the line of making excuses for not seeing your parents, or in times when you call in sick and don't want to deal with your boss directly.  Not in any way suggesting I have done that or you should do that, but you get the idea. 

This app arrows your call straight into someone's voice mail machine.  I have no idea how on earth they do it, but for $1.99, you can still get to literally call someone but not needing to actually talk to someone.  I say, one can see where socialising is heading. 


HangTime

This one is pure idiotic.  It measures your air-borne time!  You can have a go at throwing your fancy iPhone in the air, for it can track the amount of time before it comes crashing down again.   This is just great isn't it?  Make sure you are a good catcher, or the app will cost $1.99 plus the cost of buying a new phone!

Search UK Pay Phones

When it comes to applications, iPhone has it all.  Want to find the nearest pizza takeaway or public water closets?  Bam - there's an app for that.  When you are actively using your iPhone one day and you just want to find out where your nearest payphone is when in U.K.?  Whoola - This is just what you need.   Absolutely hilarious.

I say we readily need a superseding app to help us deal with the overflowing apps in our phones.

Cat And Router

As any owner will testify, cats will nap on virtually any warm spot around the house and treat it as their personal property.

There's this man who lives in England and has a cat at home.  His cat insisted on sleeping on his wireless router for hours, frequently knocking the aerial with her tail, crashing his internet connection.   The very annoyed owner made a joke about it and posted details and a photo of his problem on a discussion forum on the website of his Internet Service Provider (ISP).

Guess what happened next?

No, the cat didn't understand what his owner typed online (that would be quite an eerie story).

And no, the cat didn't compromise from then on either (they never ever do). 


Here is what happened.  The ISP responded to the post and offered a rather plausible solution.

They sent the miserable user a new router, which he plugged in next to the one his cat was so fond of.  In return, the ISP requested some form of proof that this is not a made up story and hence asked the user to send them more cute pictures of the aggressor!  

This is quite a customer service and quite a solution too - probably until the cat figures out she's no longer able to directly intervene with the internet, peace shall prevail. 

Suffering the same problem at home, are you?  Have a go at your local ISP and see if they would do the same for you.  You don't try, you don't know!

Small Things That Make You Smile

Every now and again, I see those small things that would make me smirk, things such as: elderly holding hands, the ability to make a friend to actually laugh out loud (not LOL) because it's pretty cute to see her laugh, heard jokes that aren't funny but are funny for that reason.  Even things like...it started raining just before I fell asleep.  Things like that.

Recently, a friend of mine told me a real story of two toddlers (age 4 and 3), a pair of lovey dovey seen walking down the street, holding hands tightly.  The elder boy led the way, the younger girl just willingly followed whenever he went.  At one point, the boy heard his mother yelled, 

"James, you are looking a bit hot, please take off your jacket".  

James looked at her mother, then looked at the girl next to him, clinging tightly to his hand, James appeared terribly confused.  The next minute, he looked at the girl in the eye and told her something unbelievably genteel.  

"Hayley, I have to take off my jacket now and I am going to have to let go of your hand for a minute".  

Before the girl could even respond to any of that, the boy continued,

"But don't worry, I will hold your hand again afterward".  

Hayley happily let go of his trustworthy hand, James took off his jacket and quickly return to Hayley's! 

Enjoy life's sweet little tidbits.  Share as often as you can too, if your will permits.

Simple (Is) Better

Just as Chinese characters have a traditional and a simplified version, I discovered the same applies to good old conversational English!

Let's compare the Queen's English with some Singaporean English (Singlish), which I came to master.


Briton : Hello, my name is Bond.  James Bond.  Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?

Singaporean : Hello, who called?


Briton : I beg your pardon Sir, but we don't seem to have what you are looking for.  If you could just bear with me for a moment, I can certainly call another outlet of ours and run a check.

Singaporean : Wait ah...I check for you.

Briton : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Singaporean : Can pass or not?

Briton : What do you propose we do before dinner?

Singaporean : So how?

Briton : Hey, put your wallet away, the drink is on me.

Singaporean : No need lah.

Briton : I am terribly sorry, I could have said so earlier if circumstances allowed that.

Singaporean : Aiya, I would say so if I could leh.

Briton : Under no circumstances you are allowed to cheat

Singaporean  :  You die die can't cheat one.


A Singaporean will tell you "Simple better".  Let's put aside the grammatical context of that two-word sentence (didn't know a sentence can be that short for a starter)!

Exactly.  That on its own, forms a brilliant demonstration of the sheer efficiency and effectiveness of communicating with the astonishing - Singlish!

Simplifying A Classic Mathematical Problem

A decadent box of chocolates adorned the living room.  

When Audrey saw it, she couldn't resist and ate 1/6 of the box.
Then along came Betty who refused to admit she ate 1/5 of what Audrey has left in the box.
Hungry Benson arrived, took out 1/4 of the chocolates that remained.
Later that day, Mandy happily finished off 1/3 of the remaining.
By the time I returned home, I managed to have 1/2 of what was left.
When my sister Amy discovered the delicacy (much later), only 4 pieces were scattered inside the box.

Just what did Audrey manage to have?

Apart from a clogged brain, she might have...Diabetes! 

LOL

Joke Of The Day

WIKIPEDIA: I know everything.

GOOGLE: I have everything.

FACEBOOK: I know everybody.

INTERNET : You are all nothing without me.

ELECTRICITY: Keep talking. 

REMEMBER - NEVER TAKE THINGS IN LIFE FOR GRANTED AS NOTHING IS GIVEN.



 

Day Dreaming

Sales:  Cash or Visa, Miss?

Me: Visa please (handing over my card).

Sales: $199 please thank you.

Me: Uh...I believe you are holding my card.

Sales: Oh I beg your pardon, Miss.

Went home and found the security tag is still attached on the newly bought item.

Today’s episode is brought to you by What Happens In Her Mind When It Is a Monday, Inc.

Cracking The Codes On Medical Jargon

Doctors may treat their patients with professional concern, but privately they could well be summing them up as GLMs, FLKs or TBPs.

These are codes used by some very literate doctors to describe their patients to colleagues in sometimes unflattering terms.

GLM is a ‘good looking mum’ who probably has GLL – ‘great looking legs.
FLK is a ‘funny looking kid’ while a TBP is a ‘total bloody pain’.
JLD: Just Like Dad
LOL: Little Old Lady as oppose to laugh out loud. 

An intoxicated man turning up in AnE might well have a UBI, or ‘unexplained beer injury’, and if he was particularly rude he might be a CLL or ‘complete low life’.

Other jargons include ‘house red’ for blood, ‘slashers’ for general surgeons, ‘Freud Squad’ for psychiatrists and ‘departure lounge’ is - understandably - the geriatric ward.

Impressive to the point whereby these professionals know how to stay humourous when dealing with what ought to be one of the most stressful jobs on earth.  

I suppose next time we make a compliment, we can consider this...

Who Invented Mammogram?

This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

Would like his balls stuck in this "Manogram",

And see how they turn out.

My All-Time Favourite Mad Cow Joke

Friend B and Friend C used to jokingly suggest that Friend A has mad cow disease as the Red Cross refused to take Friend A's blood - even till this day.

Here's the 2-part joke they shared.

Part I
Two cows chatting:
Cow 1: "Hey, did you hear about that mad cow disease?"
Cow 2: "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it."
Cow 1: "Why not?"
Cow 2: "I'm a Sheep, meiiiiiiii"


Friend A was the one who forwarded the above joke to Friend B and C and they couldn't stop laughing upon receipt.  They didn't laugh because of the joke itself but Friend A was the subject of their laughter.

 
Part II
What Friend A did to deserve being laughed at, was the fact that she feared they couldn't get this all-so-seemingly-self-explanatory-joke and Friend A decided to append an email to explain!

That act really reaffirmed Friend B and C's belief that she WAS indeed suffering from some degree of the disease!!  


The mad cow Friend A still giggles whenever she comes across this joke and she decides to share this in here so she can make a few more cows laugh. 


 

An Intriguing Conversation

Today...in the midst of a busy afternoon and while I was juggling several things at once, my mobile phone rang.  I took a glance and it was from an anonymous caller. Ignored once, ignored twice....I eventually decided to pick up on the third time. 

"Speaking"

"Can I talk to you about that proposal?"

"Sure, anything wrong with it?"

"No, but we were in the middle of discussing that earlier."

"Oh ya. I did ask you to call back later."

"Anyway, is it a good time to continue now?"

"Yup. Fire away."

"You were saying you wish to retire in 20 years' time, right?"

"Wait a minute...I did say that, but I didn't say that to you, I think.  Wait...are you who I think you are?"

"I was the one who called you about an insurance proposal this morning."

"Oh...sorry, I think you've got the wrong number and you are not someone I meant to talk to."

"I am terribly sorry, but can I take this opportunity to introduce you to our various plans so you can retire in 20 years' time as wished?"

"I am rather busy at the moment, and I am going to hang up now."

"When will you not be busy? "

"I don't really know."

"When will you be free then?"

"Can I give you my boss's number, he might have a better idea than me."

Should Work Be Fun? Part II

Having worked for that many years, there are some key constituents to what I considered a fun-filled work environment.  

Importantly, they are, having an open line of communications, each employee takes ownership of his/her job, and each person should know how to take appropriate risk in order to achieve higher targets, encourage creativity, boost mutual trust and respect.  

Now here's a real keen store keeper in North Cumberland, U.K. for a laugh.  

Put it this way, work CAN be fun.  

 

.

The Salary Equivalent

What is the closest thing you have similar to a woman’s period?

Your monthly salary!  

It comes once a month and gone in a few days!  If it doesn’t come...it translates to nothing but...troubles!

Hope yours haven't reached that state on the 12th day of the month!  

I am still waiting for mine to arrive in 3 days' time.  Why does this month feel like a drag?

Define: Football or Soccer (as the American calls it)

Son:  What is football, mommy? 

Mom: A bunch of guys run around for 90 minutes, rarely score and games often end in a tie and when they do, they break the tie with a single player kicking the ball against a single goalie.

Son: Why do they bother running around for 90 minutes then?

Mom:  I don't know, son.  The game just makes no sense to me at all!  

Son:  Why not just set up half a dozen goals and have half a dozen guys just keep kicking balls against half a dozen goalies at the same time?

Mom:  That will make the World Cup spin from 1 month to a day only perhaps.  FIFA, which consists of mostly men, will not allow that.

A Wicked Fact of Life to Share

If it's Thursday today, that means we are left with only one more day to go till weekend.  This week has essentially been a relatively long and dull one for me and it was this fact of life which injected a little grin on my face just then.

Can't help but share this here with you all!